You’re Not Listening

Some words are confusing, and that can mean trouble. For example:

-          That’s right. Is it correct, or just not left?

-          She’s left. Is she to my left, or has she gone somewhere else?

Listen is one of the words that causes problems.

When kids don’t do what they’re told, parents say, “You’re not listening!” We don’t usually mean that they’re not hearing or understanding the words we’re saying. We mean they’re not following instructions.

When we talk about relationship skills and conflict resolution, listening is mostly about hearing and demonstrating an accurate understanding of what the other person is saying.

When we talk about decision making, we expect listening to mean taking input from others and letting people influence you with their ideas.

How many times have each of us had a disagreement with someone where we go in circles, each of us saying the same thing over and over in slightly different ways? And when this inevitably happens, how likely are we to characterize the other person as not listening rather than not agreeing?

The dictionary definition of listening doesn’t help, either. Most definitions have provisions for the word to mean hearing a sound as well as taking action, so there’s no real clarity there. Trying to change language and the meaning of a word that is already established is very difficult, anyway. But there are things we can do to be better at saying what we mean. We can simply use other words to be more specific and to make our communication better.

When someone isn’t following your directions and they should be, say “I need you to follow my directions.”

When you’re having a conversation and the other person doesn’t seem to understand, say “It’s important to me to know that you understand what I’m saying.” Then let them show you whether or not they understand.

If you’d like a decision maker to be influenced more by your input, say “I’d like you to consider coming my way on this.”

When in a circular conflict, say “I feel like I’m just repeating myself. I’m not sure if we understand each other and just disagree, or if we don’t understand one another yet. Can we figure out where we are and see if we need to listen and understand better, or if we need to figure out what to do with our disagreement?”

We all do better when we all get better at saying what we really mean.