The Baked Goods Analogy
Here’s a question for you: What is the perfect baked good? Think about it for a second. Got one in mind? Good. Now, if you’re not lactose intolerant, dip it in milk. Still the perfect baked good? What if you put gravy on it? How is it now? Now use it to make a ham sandwich. Spread butter on it. Serve it as dessert to someone you want to impress. Still the perfect baked good? I’m guessing not.
A cookie is great dipped in milk, but maybe not so good to make a ham sandwich. A biscuit goes great under gravy, but maybe isn’t so good dipped in milk or served for dessert. Yet many baked goods are made with very similar ingredients, just in different amounts and using different processes.
So at this point, I’m guessing we’re in agreement that there is no such thing as the perfect baked good. It’s likely that no one is surprised by this. Nobody’s perfect. Right?
I actually hate the phrase, “Nobody’s perfect,” mostly because it has never once made me feel better about anything. But that’s a rabbit trail for another time. I think that when most people hear the phrase, “Nobody’s perfect”, they think “Everyone makes mistakes,” which is true. And yet somewhere in there is the implication that we should keep trying to be perfect, or better, or more than we are. Imagine you were at the bakery, and you heard the jalapeno-cheddar bagel tell a cinnamon roll that it should work on being more savory. That would be pretty ridiculous, right? For one, the baked goods are talking to each other and you can understand them. But also, it seems almost wrong to tell something sweet to be savory, knowing that this might very well be detrimental to its unique appeal and identity.
The way I see it, there are so many different and great ways to be, and no one can embody all of those valuable characteristics at once. It’s absurd and unrealistic to think that there’s some ideal combination of traits that make you the ideal human, and we would do well to do away with the idea that there’s one right or superior way to be a person.
This doesn’t mean we can’t learn new skills and grow. I’m not so warm and fuzzy as to say that we’re all just dandy and don’t need any work, and it’s also true that each of us does truly suck at many things, and we should know what those things are so we can navigate them appropriately. But we shouldn’t be so focused on trying to be everything. Instead, learn to lean into your strengths and who you are.
People are like baked goods. We’re made with similar ingredients, but we turn out to have very different flavors and properties that are great in their own way, and we can’t have all the good things at the same time.
Many of us spend a lot of mental energy on wishing we were more like someone else. As a more introverted person, I’ve often envied people who are fun at parties and wished I was more socially outgoing or energetic. I used to spend a lot of time wishing I was different and trying to be different. And do you know what it got me? A lot of awkwardness and anxiety.
We’re happier and healthier when we not only accept ourselves, but also embrace ourselves as we are. It’s not just about tolerating yourself, what you are, and what you’re not. It’s about actually liking yourself, what you are, and what you’re not. I may not be the life of the party. But for the same reasons I’m not the life of the party, I’m a steady person, and often have a calming or grounding effect on others. Those are two sides of the same coin. For me, being a healthy person means valuing that trait in myself while also celebrating others who bring something very different. I don’t have to be both, which is really important because in some cases, being both isn’t really possible, at least not in the same moment.
One final thing to remember is that it’s not a competition to see whose way of being is better. Too often, we compare ourselves to others, which is most certainly a trap. The grass will always appear greener on the other side of the fence, and you’ll always be able to make up reasons that someone else’s personality is better than yours. It’s not helpful try to evaluate whether your strengths are better or more desirable than mine.
Consider that you can do the following 4 things all at once:
1. Value and embrace yourself and what you bring to the table.
2. Celebrate and appreciate what others bring to the table.
3. Challenge the belief that you should be more like me, or I should be more like you.
4. Believe that you can be a great version of yourself without having to be everything.
A biscuit just needs to be a great biscuit. A cookie just needs to be a great cookie. And you? You just need to be a great you. There is no perfect, there is no ideal. Just different. You don’t have to be more, you just have to be you.